Wow. Well, first of all, sorry for all the struggle this has been. Nobody should have to feel compelled to understand why someone else treats them like an object.

So there's two problems here. The first is that guys really truly are wired to think things when they see things. From the purest saint to the sleaziest slime, they all think just about the same things. The difference of course is what is done with those thoughts. I would hope that this guy hasn't given up trying to be good. The worst thing about Arab men is not that they look and stare, but that it's been culturally allowed to look and stare. In the West, of course, guys see the same things that guys see over there! It's just that it's not polite here to stare.

I think that you were lucky to find someone who would tell you honestly what he is going through. It doesn't make it any more comfortable for you, and it doesn't make his actions any more justified, but it is true that it is easy to get sensitized - or desensitized - to clothing habits. I wish I could tell you something you could do to make it easier, but there really is nothing. As I've observed before, this is how I see the responsibility: The woman has the responsibility to dress according to cultural norms - to remain near the center of the bell curve. The man has the responsibility to accept everyone, no matter how they dress. If these responsibilities are breached, then someone's going to be uncomfortable.

I think that the real problem was that he was justifying his problems as only the girl's fault. It would be refreshing to have a guy speak openly and honestly about his thoughts on these cultural differences but it would also be refreshing for him not to blame these differences on women. He basically told me it was my fault (because I was wearing a skirt) that he was having these problems and that there was nothing he could do about it. If I am not outlandishly dressed, then it definitely isn't my fault! I definitely wasn't the one wearing a bikini on this trip. . .

Guys tend to feel that it's not their fault because they can see what's causing their reaction right in front of them. It's too easy for people to have a reaction -- a natural reaction -- and assume that they can't do anything about it, because it's "natural". It's not true. Anyone can be civil and courteous, whether they want to be or not is a different matter.

Did you get the sense from this guy that he was actually trying to be nice?

Hi Becca! Long time no post but I have been checking in and following your news with great interest and admiration. You are some kind of brave!

If I may chime in I think the essence of what you're struggling with concerns a power differential. Unfortunately, if power is being abused - toward women or any other group - silence and acquiescence won't go far to reverse it.

It's not easy, especially when you're on the spot, to come up with a witty retort to shed light on the situation, something that won't be dismissed as strident or shrill, but I hope you can find a way to "speak truth to power" when the need arises. Not that it sounds as though you were silent ... and not that you have to be witty at all times ... oh well you get my drift.

The good news is that you have found such an enlightened guy!

Also, some women treat men as objects (and men other men, etc.) - although it's less common it can work both ways. I think deep down it's more about power than a strictly male-female thing. Just food for thought! (Having grown up in the '70s and gone to Dartmouth just after it went coed I've given some thought to this issue ... and have some passion around it in case you couldn't tell!)

I want to tell you to wear whatever you want but some have called me idealistic and I'm cognizant of the hazards ... so use your judgment and seize the little opportunities to make a difference.

Take care Becca!