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February 14, 2005

Valentine's Day

Oh man, I need to go to bed but I just remembered to make a Valentine's day post... better make this quick.

Obviously (for anyone who knows me) for me this Valentine's day is very different than any one before. I can't tell you how crazy it is - it's one of the most bittersweet things ever. I'm constantly torn between hearing from Becca and feeling so excited she's mine, and then seeing other couples around town who are going out, having fun, and I only have my memories and my aspirations.

I have to say that this isn't the first cheery Valentine's day for me. I don't remember whether it was last year or the year before, but I remember just being excited that God was preparing me for a relationship like this - even though it hadn't happened yet. I remember being at Real Life over at Harvard on the Friday before, and finding a valentine on the floor (which wasn't to me, of course.) You have to understand, normally that kind of stuff would at least annoy me, if not make me frustrated and depressed. But this time, I picked up the valentine and appreciated it. It's a simple construction paper heart, with the phrase "Love is Metaphysical Gravity" attributed to R. Buckminster Fuller printed on it. I remember showing it to a bunch of people that night... nobody really appreciated it as much as I did. I remember, though, feeling so free - not obsessing over some girl, like I had always done before, but just being able to show it to my friends.

You see, up until a few years ago Love for me was not only dangerous but very painful. It was something to be avoided, something which I ran from and yet was sucked into, only at the bottom to be chewed up and spit back out. Call it a product of my youth, immaturity or inexperience or impatience, whatever you will. As my college years passed, though, I began to realize that there was a specific purpose why I had never had a girlfriend before, and that I was being carefully prepared for the day when such a chance would be granted to me. For example, there was a girl at one point who I was attracted to, and who seemed to be interested in me... but fairly soon I knew that I wasn't supposed to pursue this, that it was actually practice for me to say No, something I had no experience in thinking before! Little events like this led me to be patient, to know that God really was taking care of this.

And then, it seemed like all of a sudden, everything came together. I actually got up the courage to ask Becca to watch a movie with me and she didn't turn me down. I asked her to come over for dinner and she didn't turn me down. I hung out with her and she never ran away... and I held her hand and looked in her eyes and knew that this was it, this was what I had been waiting my whole life for and why it had been so long, because it was so pure and sweet.

Nobody really knows what will happen, down the road. I know there are things that we take for ourselves, that we grip a hold of and yet somehow God still takes them away from us, only because He loves us... but then there are those gifts which He gives freely, which we're supposed to hold tight and treasure. Maybe Becca will be that gift for me. But even if not, she has been the bearer of a gift which no other could have borne - the gift to be able to love and to look forward to a day when all my hopes and dreams will come to pass. Up until that day when we said yes to each other, I had never been able to look forward to such a day; there had been no hope that it would ever happen.

Happy Valentine's Day, everybody. And thank you all for loving me, in your own way.

Posted by kgutwin at February 14, 2005 09:23 PM

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Posted by: sharon at February 15, 2005 10:37 PM